Thinking of a life I had but wish I never did

I miss having a mum.

I don't miss my mum, just having a mum.

It's not like when your mum dies and you have the ability to grieve and to come to terms with it all and get closure.

I have never had closure after all these years. Never a sorry, never an explination. Instead whenever I have tried to give her another chance she is more toxic than ever, it gets worse and worse.

Just like it gets worse and worse with my sister S. Put the two together and it is so horrible.
Usually I am a strong person who does not put up with crap, but instead they turn me back into that little girl who cant remember how to stand up for themself. And you honestly don't know how to stand up for yourself when someone is blaming you for every problem known to man even though you have nothing to do with it. It could rain and they would find a way to blame me for it and no word on my part telling them they are being unreasonable would count.

It could be the pregnancy hormones I dont know, but it just upsets me.

I can't even think about them and their behaviour without it getting to me, I can't see logic and understanding in any of their actions or words or behaviour.

I have a book here that I am filling out for my daughter for when she turns 18 which tells her all about me. There is a part in there where I am meant to tell her about my mum, and happy memories from my childhood and moments I shared with my family and traditions.
And I keep coming up empty. I have zero fond memories of my childhood. A lot of my childhood has been blacked out and no matter how hard I try I can't get it back.

I never did wrong by my mum in my eyes. I wasn't like S. Even my sister K didn't do wrong. Ididn't go out to underage parties and get plastered, I didn't do drugs, I didnt lie and steal. I went to school and did my work and came home, occasionally visiting a friend, I got a job as soon as I could and worked.

But that wasn't good enough, or maybe too good. S did all the opposite, she was the black sheep, the "bad one". But is now the loved one and the one who has returned home many times and considers mum her best friend, the one who treated mum the worst and she is now the only one mum cares about and gives a damn about.

The other grandkids are non existant. The one on the way even more so. She knows I am expecting and engaged but that is the end of that. Our children (mine and K's) were brought up in loving households whereas S's wasn't. We have been succesful but not good enough.

I do not understand how a mother can treat her children this way and her grandchildren and just not care. How can you just not care?

When I was 15 she beat the crap out of me, packed a bag and sent me to the kerb to fend for myself.

I never understood. She is meant to be my mum, how could this happen. So I went back. Every year I would go back. Every year I would be there for a bit and then it would all happen again.

The last straw was on my 18th birthday. I had nowhere to go. I earnt $160 a week. I found a caravan for $110 a week and had to spend $50 a week in travel fares to get to work. Every time the train would drive past her house on the way to work I would feel so much rage inside me.

How could I look after myself? Enter B. He helped out. I had no choice. We got our own place, I left my job and started earning $250 a week in a new one. But rent here was $220 a week, so I still couldn't do it on my own I had to stay. B proposed. I had no choice to say yes, I couldn't go back onto the streets. I cared about him but he wasn't for me.
Then we knew if we didnt try for a baby when I was young there would be no chance of being able to fall pregnant naturally if I waited 5 or so more years. (health probs). B begged for us to try. We tried for a year. I fell pregnant with Chloe. He then went away for work for months on end.

Mum tried contacting me. I hadn't spoken to her since I was 18. I let her in to give her a chance to be a grandmother but on arms length.
When chloe was born I had pnd. B used this to his advantage and got me to agree to leaving everything behind and move interstate. Promising support and stregthening our relationship. Since I wasn't thinking clearly I agreed.

Interstate provided absolutly zero promised support and his drinking getting heavier. Me not being able to go anywhere cause I didnt know the place and he wouldn't let me get my licence.

We got married. Still to this day I dont know what caused that shift.

After we got married i had to have more surgery. Told to have another kid then or never. He begged for another, he always wanted 2. We tried for just over 6 months. Pregnancy introduced already controlling and abusive partner to get worse. He was never there, never spoke, only talked down to me, didnt have anything to do with chloe, wouldnt let me go anywhere.

We all know that in the end I left after the abuse got worse after Bailey died.

Sister S complained that we didnt give her enough attention when Bailey died, that it was all about me and I was grumpy!!!! Hello, my son just died?? She told me that because I felt like a failure as a mum for the first few weeks that I was depressed and needed to be on anti depressants!!! Um it is grieving!!!

That was the start of her beginning her bitchy rant. She moved back in with mum so it became a war against the rest of the family.

Ex B decided messaging and emailing sister S with flirtatious messages and for them both to constantly speak horribly of me over these messages and emails would be a fantastic idea and it still goes on to this day.

In april this year I cut all ties with the family. I still speak to my lovely sister K and I have the time for my dad. I don't know him well but he never did anything wrong.

They are so toxic. It is like sitting in a room breathing in a deadly gas. You are stuck and speechless in fear and in shock but the tears are stinging your eyes cause you wont let them out cause you know they will enjoy finding another way to kick you whilst you are down.

How can they not care? Why do they treat us like this?

It makes me miss having a mum. To wonder what it would be like. To wonder what it would have been like to spend all my lifes memories with someone who cared as a mother.

It makes me angry to see people I went to school with and see how much or a normal life they had and still had cause they had a normal family life. I never did, so I didn't get people befriending me at school cause I was the one who even though I went all the way through I was hardly there cause I rarely had somewhere to live, I was the one who never got invited to peoples houses, that stopped when I was in primary school. They have these close knit groups and I never got that.

Instead I look back and see failure after failure. Look at my failed marriage. I have kids and a divorce and most people my age are either happily married or they are on their way to it, not like me.

My daughter might drive me bonkers somedays and it is hard as a single mum but that doesnt mean I ever get the thought to bash the crap out of her and put her on the kerb, close the door and never look back. I couldn't do that. Ever. I couldn't give her up, even to her dad and just move on with my life. I couldnt hurt my flesh and blood someone who is a true gift that I even got the opportunity to have her.
Sure through the hard days sometimes it is hard to see it but I don't give up.

Chloe knows we dont see grandma and sister S. She knows that they are bad people cause they are mean and make mummy cry and very upset and they do bad things and say bad things to me and that we dont associate with bad people.

Its just hard when it reaches special moments in your life and you can't share them with your family. Sure I have made my own family and L's family have accepted me and Chloe with open arms as family but you sometimes still wish you had someone that was your own.

Yes I know they are the ones that are missing out, but I bet they are not even giving me a second thought rather than me right now, it hurts me rather than to them it is just another person to gossip about.


I don't understand. I don't know if I ever will. I just want closure. But I know I will never get it.